


A Broken Mask

by haikyuuxi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comforting Oikawa Tooru, Crying, Crying Iwaizumi Hajime, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Neglect, Nightmares, Overstimulation, Physical Neglect, implied/referenced eating disorder, implied/referenced panic attack, self-deprecation, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27245947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyuuxi/pseuds/haikyuuxi
Summary: Then the day came, and he broke. Everything fell down at once. The jar on the shelf shattered, and glass spread across the wooden floor, and the world burned to ash, and even the raining of Iwaizumi's tears could no quench the depths of the fire. Sometimes when a dam burst and breaks, it breaks other things too. And in the process of the water gushing out, it uncovers pains of the past that were buried and forgotten for so long that they were thought to have never even existed in the first place.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 94





	A Broken Mask

**Author's Note:**

> This is based loosely off of a dream I had. 
> 
> NOTE: Iwaizumi's mom is not a caring type of person; she is rather cold in a very callous way.
> 
> Obviously not all of the characters in the tags are in the fanfic~  
> Also, I hope the additional tags are helpful >< I didn’t really know what to put...

Oikawa had never seen Iwaizumi that sad before. The two boys had been best friends since day one, and in all those years, Oikawa had never once seen Iwaizumi this broken. Yes, they had lost some really intense volleyball matches that all the boys on the team put their best efforts into, and yes, Iwaizumi had experienced some pretty rough breakups. Still, Oikawa had never seen a sadness like this on Iwachan's face. That's not to say that Oikawa hasn't seen Iwaizumi cry because he has, but this time it was different. This time it was quite possibly the worst.

To Oikawa, the boy was a rock, a safe place to go when he was sad, and now Iwaizumi needed him. Iwaizumi was the strong type, the person to never ask for help even when he was struggling so bad that most people could not handle the pain anymore. Iwaizumi bottled up his feelings and kept them on a shelf so high that even if Oikawa had a ladder, he could not reach them. It wasn't that Iwaizumi wanted to be cold or distant and not show his feelings. It was more like he didn't feel like sharing his feelings needed to be done because sharing his feelings would only burden Oikawa even more than he already was. Iwaizumi always put up the front that everything was okay and that everything was always going to be okay, and Iwachan thought that Oikawa found comfort in that, so the boy never let that facade fall. 

Of course, never letting the mask slip was exhausting. Iwaizumi never found a good way to release all the emotions he had bottled up in him, in fear that his emotions would light a fire and burn down everything around him until nothing was left. Nothing but the darkness of the charred world and the smell of smoke filling his lungs until breathing was a chore until breathing was no longer something that he wanted to do. Nothing but the empty and numb feelings that filled the air choking him until he felt his head throbbing in pain. Sometimes Iwaizumi stayed after practice hitting the volleyball over and over and over until he could no longer escape the throbbing in his hand and the sea of tv static that played over repeatedly in his head as his emotions ebbed and flowed through his body. 

Oikawa never noticed, never stopped to actually see the pain that Iwa was in, or at least that is what Iwaizumi thought. On the surface, everything was hidden; every emotion tucked away neatly so that no one looking from the outside would notice. Iwaizumi was so good at hiding his feelings and the vulnerable parts of him that even Oikawa, who knew him so well, saw nothing, or maybe it was that he saw signs but never connected the dots and said anything. If attention were paid, then the repetitive hitting of the volleyball after practice was a sign. If attention were paid, then the void in his eyes would be a sure sign, a plead for help, but attention was never paid because Iwaizumi was supposed to be the rock. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that never had issues and problems. But under the surface, he was weak, and he was scared, and he needed someone to listen, someone to help. He was screaming inside, and no one noticed. He was drowning in himself, his mind like a hungry ocean swallowing him whole.

Then the day came, and he broke. Everything fell down at once. The jar on the shelf shattered, and glass spread across the wooden floor, and the world burned to ash, and even the raining of Iwachan's tears could not quench the depths of the fire. Sometimes when a dam bursts and breaks, it breaks other things too. And in the process of the water gushing out, it uncovers pains of the past that were buried and forgotten for so long that they were thought to have never even existed in the first place.

The day leading up to Iwaizumi's break down was like any other day, or at least it was that way for Oikawa. The boy went to school without a problem, ate lunch without a problem, studied without a problem, and practiced volleyball after school without a problem. But for Iwaizumi, it was different. The day was tough for Iwa, but that was every day for him, and no one noticed. School was hard, but he smiled and laughed with Oikawa. Lunch was so unappetizing, so he didn't eat and lied, saying he was so full from a meal his mom had cooked the night before, and he smiled, and he laughed, and he wore the mask. He studied, but he didn't study, he reread the same sentence over and over again, and none of it stuck. The words rolled off his brain like rain on an umbrella, just rolling and rolling and falling to the ground, never absorbing, just puddling, and making a mess. 

Volleyball was just as bad as everything else, but he wore the mask, and he wore it well. 

"You're on top of it today, Iwa," Coach called out, but little did he know that he was breaking and that he was broken, and this practice was holding him together by an ever so thin thread. This practice was all that Iwaizumi had, and he held on to it tightly, and he hit the ball, and he dove, and he gave his all, and he was physically exhausted and tired, but mentally he was so much more. And practice was over, and he stayed, and he hit the ball, and his legs were weak, and his hand was throbbing, and his head was full, so full of thoughts that he kept to himself bottled up on a shelf where no one could reach. The pain made him feel alive, feel something other than the sadness that shrouded his vision, and he pressed on. Iwa looked at his hands, and their redness stared back at him, daring him to continue, and the boy did. Volleyballs echoed off the gym floor one after another, and the sky outside drew into a darker hue as night began to fall. Iwaizumi ignored the fatigue that plagued him, and he kept pressing, and the pain kept pounding, and he felt numb. God, he felt so numb that he didn't notice the bruises that were forming under his kneepads or the friction burns that were appearing on his arms from diving to the other side of the court attempting to retrieve the ball. Maybe he did notice, and perhaps he just didn't care because those marks meant that he was alive, and he felt something. The night pressed on, and the boy found himself growing tired, and he found himself wanting to go home, but he kept hitting the ball, eyes fixated, heart pumping and waves were crashing, tearing away pieces of him as they lapped at the shore. A phone beeped from the bleachers, and he snapped back into reality. Iwaizumi dropped the ball in front of him and folded onto the ground. He sat there and just breathed in the air of the gym, his chest rising and falling with every breath. A minute's rest is all he allowed himself before he picked himself up off the floor and gathered the balls, placing them in the bin slowly and methodically, his mind a muddled mess and his body in autopilot. The boy tiredly took the net down and finally walked to the bleachers to see a message from his mom, asking him where he was. He sat down beside his jacket and picked up his phone, sighing. He replied that he was spending the night at Oikawa's and was sorry that he forgot to mention it sooner and that he knows it's midnight, but he and Oikawa were watching Star Wars, so he didn't hear his phone earlier. 

Iwaizumi wore the mask, and he never took it off, not even for his mother, and he wore it well, and he hid himself away tucked behind the front that he put forth. People surrounded Iwaizumi, and yet he felt alone, and he hid, and he bottled up, and he put himself high on a shelf where no one could reach him. He was strong, and others needed him to be okay, so he was okay, and he wore the mask, and he never let it slip, never. 

Iwaizumi showered and changed in the locker room. He then picked up his gym bag and walked out the door, shutting the gym lights off behind him. The night air was crisp, and it stung against him, and Iwaizumi drank in the feeling of the cold on his skin, and he welcomed the silence, and he breathed. He really breathed, and he was okay for the moment, and the tv static stopped, and the waves quit crashing, and the sounds of the night were all that filled the air. As the boy walked, the sound of his footfalls accompanied him all the way until he found himself standing at Oikawa's backdoor. Time seemed to not exist at that moment as if he never walked to Oikawa's house but more as if he was magically placed there on the doorstep. Iwachan stood there for a moment turning the key over in his hand, wondering if he should really go inside or if he should just go home and clamor into his own bed. His breath swirled in the air as his mind churned. Oikawa wouldn't mind, and he wouldn't ask questions, he never did, and Iwaizumi both loved and hated that about the boy. He sighed again, brought the key out of his pocket, inserted it into the door, unlocked it, and made his way inside. The boy took off his shoes and snuck up the stairs only to find himself standing in front of the door, asking himself the same question _is it okay to go inside? is it okay to be here?_ Iwaizumi shook the thoughts from his head, remembering the day that Oikawa gave him the key.

That day Oikawa had paid attention, he had seen the dark circles present under his friend's eyes, and he was concerned. Oikawa is pushy when he wants something, and he wanted to know why his poor Iwachan had such dark circles under his eyes when he knows that Iwa goes to sleep at a respectable time every night. Iwaizumi tried so hard to hide the truth that day. He tried to hide the fact that he had nightmares every night that week, and they had gotten to the point where he pulled all-nighters just to avoid sleeping, but Oikawa was too persistent, and he would not give up, and Iwaizumi was too tired to fight his best friend anymore. After learning about Iwaizumi's nightmares, Oikawa searched every inch of the internet, trying to help Iwaizumi get over these nightmares. When nothing he found worked, he had a key made to his house so that Iwaziumi could come over any time of the night if he needed it. Even after Iwaziumi's nightmares became less frequent, Oikawa continued to worry. After that, Iwachan decided to never burden him like that ever again because Iwaizumi hated so much to see the worry and paint that he brought to Oikawa's eyes that were once so full of sparkling happiness. So began the bottling of emotions and the wearing of masks and the cold shoulders and distant stares that revealed nothing and the lies, all the damn lies.

Iwaizumi let out another sigh, and he pushed the door open to the room, and he stood there, his legs not moving, and he just stared at his best friend sleeping, and his heart broke because he didn't want to bother him. Oikawa's face was peaceful as he slept, and his chest slowly rose and fell with his breathing. Iwa closed his eyes before deciding to just sleep on the floor so as not to wake him. He walked across the room and placed his gym bag on the floor to use as a pillow.

"Are you okay?" a muffled voice came from the bed.

Iwaizumi stood up at the sound of Oikawa's voice. He didn't answer. He just stood there waiting for Oikawa to say something else and secretly hoping that the boy wouldn't ask any more of him, because tonight he felt weak, so weak that he could feel cracks forming in the dam that was holding his emotions in, crack forming in his heart. 

"A nightmare?" Oikawa asked, sitting up and sleepily looking Iwa in the face.

Iwaizumi just stood there staring at the boy, not moving except for his breathing and the fidgeting of his fingers. 

"It's okay, Iwachan," Oikawa said, patting the bed beside him as he scooted over, inviting the boy into his bed, inviting the boy to allow himself to be vulnerable. 

Iwa sighed. A weight lifted off his shoulders, and he slid into bed beside Oikawa and pulled the covers up over his cold body. They laid there silently for a minute before 

Oikawa broke the silence, "you haven't had nightmares in a while, Iwachan." 

The other boy just nodded in response, knowing the Oikawa could not see the movements of his head. Iwaizumi's chest tightened because his nightmares had indeed returned, but he could not bring himself to tell Oikawa that they had returned and that he found that using cold compresses helped to hide his dark circles. Once again, he had picked up the mask, and he wore it, and he wore it so well that Oikawa never knew that his nightmares had returned and that things were hard and that he was not the strong rock that Oikawa sees him as. 

"It's okay," Oikawa said again, "but why do you feel so cold?" he asked, as his hand found Iwa's under the covers.

Iwa felt a lump form in his throat, fearing that Oikawa would see through the lie he was about to tell. "I stood outside your house for a while, contemplating if I should come over. I didn't want to wake you," he said, forcing his voice to be steady. Iwaizumi hadn't lied, but he hadn't told the whole truth either, he did contemplate whether he should come over, but he was cold from the walk home from school and not standing outside his house. 

"Don't hesitate next time," Oikawa said, sitting up in the bed and leaning over Iwaizumi, "you could get sick if you do that!" Iwa felt his head pounding, and he reached up and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his palm. "I'm sorry." the boy replied. Oikawa crossed his arms over his chest and huffed before laying back down in the bed, "you should be. Don't make me worry, like that, okay."

Iwaizumi turned his back to Oikawa and closed his eyes as the tears fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. His heart splintered, and pain filled the cracks and crevices because he had worried Oikawa, and that was something that he had never wanted to do again. And so Iwaizumi silently cried himself to sleep while his Oikawa slept beside him, oblivious to the storm of emotions that raged within the boy that slept next to him.

Sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't just one straw but a build-up and collection of other straws that make that one straw that finally does it collectively heavier than all the previous straws before it.

And morning came and the sun filtered through Oikawa's window, and Iwaizumi just laid there, not moving just breathing and listening to the silence of the world. The bed was empty, so he kept lying there, staring at the ceiling, his mind blank, and his eyes fixated on the spot just above him. The silence grew, and the tv static flooded in to fill the void, and his thoughts twisted and turned like a small boat in the ocean. So Iwaizumi threw the covers off the bed, made his way to Oikawa's dresser, pulled out a pair of gray sweat pants, and put them on because he was freezing. He was so cold, there was nothing but frigid air around him, and he was suffocating, but he was strong, so he wore the mask for his friend and for his family, but he never wore the mask for himself. Iwaizumi was cold, and the house was warm, but he couldn't feel it because he was numb and cold. And this was all he could feel because it was the cold and numbness that filled him. Ice formed on the boy's heart, and he sighed deeply as he looked at himself in the mirror, and the dead eyes stared back at him with their dark circles and their lies and their pleading gaze. Another sigh escaped the boy's lips, and he lifted the mask, and he became strong. As Iwaizumi stood there in front of the mirror, his eyes wandered across his body, and he saw what he didn't allow others to see. He saw the marks on his arms from his excessive practicing. He felt the bruises on his knees. He saw the neglect that he had for himself and his body. He saw the weariness of his soul. He saw the small little boy that was trapped inside of him begging for help, begging to be noticed, and he turned away and headed downstairs to find Oikawa. 

Then the moment came that broke everything, the atomic bomb that destroyed every wall that Iwaizumi built and shattered every glass and bottle that ever held any emotions. The boy stepped off the stairs and into the kitchen, Oikawa was standing there, his hair in a ruffled mess, and the sun was shining through the window casting an orange glow across the kitchen. 

"Hajime," Oikawa's voice was soft, "did you sleep well?" 

Iwa stood there in the silence of the morning and contemplated how to answer. He decided to nod his head as he walked up to the island counter in the center of the kitchen. Oikawa looked at Iwachan with a knowing look, but he didn't say anything. He just took the answer for what it was. He didn't press further, and Iwaizumi didn't know whether to be grateful that Oikawa ignored this or pained because he wanted to cry out for help so bad, but he didn't know how to anymore. He only knew how to wear the mask. 

"Iwaizumi, I didn't know you were here," a voice came from what Iwaizumi knew to be Oikawa's mom.

Iwaizumi turned to face her, and he gave her a smile before answering.

"You know you are welcome here anytime," she said, her voice sincere.

Iwaizumi smiled again and thanked her.

"So, Iwaizumi, how is your mom?" Mrs. Oikawa asked.

Iwaizumi stood there for a moment, and he thought, and he thought hard because Oikawa's mom never really asked him how his parents were, especially since his and Oikawa's mothers worked together.

"She's fine?" Iwaizumi answered a questioning tone played over his voice. 

"That's good to hear. I just know she had an appointment yesterday, and I was wondering how it went. I am assuming she got good news then if she is fine. I know it's probably been tough on you. I mean, this is her third time having it, right?" Oikawa's mother replied.

Iwaizumi froze, and his mind raced. His heart stopped working, and the things that he was hearing didn't make sense, and he couldn't understand what Oikawa's mother was saying to him no matter how much he thought. His head swarmed with thoughts, and he felt sick to his stomach, but he forced himself to stand there as the room gave the illusion of spinning around him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his chest tightening with anticipation.

"Her cancer treatment, you know?" Oikawa's mother said so casually that he didn't know how to respond.

How could she be saying this? There is nothing wrong with my mom. Iwaizumi thought to himself. She must be mistaken.

"Not my mom? Mrs. Oikawa?" he questioned, his voice cracking under the pressure of everything, his face giving away his lack of knowledge on the situation.

"Oh my gosh, you didn't know, did you?" she said as she put down the dish, she was holding. "I'm so sorry, Hajime, I didn't know she hadn't told you."

Iwaizumi took a step back, and he shook his head as he looked down at the floor. 

Not this, not now, and not his mom, this wasn't real, he told himself as he felt tears pool in his eyes, and he felt his stomach clench. _This is not real._ He told himself as he bit his lip to distract himself from the burning in the back of his throat that came from him trying to hold back his tears. He shook his head again and breathed a sigh as he told himself again that this wasn't real, and a pounding began in his head as the tv static got louder, as the bottle on the shelf rocked, and as the dam weakened and more cracks formed, the water waiting to burst. He was already in the ocean, fighting to keep his head above the waterline, but this news was like a rock, an anchor dragging him down to the ocean floor and dampening his heart in the icy, frigid water.

"Can you tell me about it?" his voice was a low whisper, "I mean about my mom's condition?" The boy was so small when he asked that he was vulnerable, and he was breaking.

"It's nothing serious, honestly." Oikawa's mom said, stepping towards him, trying to bring him comfort, trying to ease the tense situation she had just unleashed. The boy stepped back again as she came closer, feeling too much at once. He couldn't handle any physical contact.

Oikawa reached his hand out to stop his mom from stepping any closer. Oikawa stayed silent, watching Iwaizumi, searching his face, and giving him space to breathe, think, and process what was happening.

"I promise you, Hajime, it's not as bad as you think. It's something small," Mrs. Oikawa tried to reason.

Iwaizumi stood there in the hallway just before the kitchen, and he breathed, but the air felt like it held no oxygen, so he held his breath instead.

"It's not a serious cancer that can't be treated. I promise you that. It's just a small spot on her skin that they found last year when she went to the dermatologist. They treated in quickly, and it was gone. But it did come back six months later in the same spot, and they treated it again but with different medicine. She went to the dermatologist a few days ago for a check-up, and they said the cancer cells were still there. She told me they were going to remove the spot this time and put her on a small treatment and that this time it should fix it. She didn't seem too worried about it, honey."

Iwaizumi was mad, and he was upset, and he was terrified. God, he was so terrified, but he felt something else too, welling up within him. He felt guilt and shame and a stabbing and burning pain.

"Listen," Oikawa's mom took another step closer to him, and the boy took a step back. His legs felt weak, but he stood there, and pain pierced his heart, and the bottle was on the edge of the shelf, and it was tipping, tipping, tipping. 

"I'm sure your mother didn't tell you so you wouldn't worry."

And the tears spilled over, and the dam broke, and water rushed out and the bottle shattered and the tv static became deafening, and the world caught fire, and the mask fell. Iwaizumi didn't know how to handle it anymore. He didn't know how to deal with the pain and the thoughts that he was feeling at the moment. Quite suddenly, his world was shaken, and everything came crashing down at once. All the feelings he had bottled up flooded out in that one moment. His mom was sick, and she didn't tell him. Thoughts raced through his mind, mean thoughts, nasty thoughts, thoughts that Iwaizumi was sure that Oikawa never had to deal with, and he broke. His head throbbed, and the world fell silent, he was confident that Oikawa was saying something to him by the movement of his lips, but Iwa couldn't hear anything but his tv static of thoughts.

"Iwa, Iwachan," Oikawa called out. "It's okay," Oikawa said as he tenderly reached out to touch the boy's forearm. Iwaizumi pulled away in anger, tears streaming down his face.

"It's okay? Is it okay? How can you say that it's just okay? It's not okay. Nothing is okay." Iwaizumi spit out pain in his voice as each word was spoken. Anger from being lied to, anger from crying like this, irritation from everything, every bottled up emotion lashed out at the moment.

"My mom has been sick for a year now, and she didn't tell me. She didn't think to tell me at all. How am I supposed to feel right now, okay?" his voice cracked.

"Because you know what, Oikawa, this is not okay, and I am not okay." Iwaizumi's voice hitched at the last phrase. I am not okay. There he said it. He said what he had been feeling all this time. Iwaizumi thought that he would feel better, finally letting someone know that he was not okay, but it did nothing, it just added to the pain he was feeling, and he slowly turned away from Oikawa, from his best friend's mother, and from the world. He would brick himself away, become colder than before, and he would become alone so that he would not burden anyone with his feelings ever again. He would leave Oikawa to himself and become the Iwaizumi that no one wanted to be around. He would push people away and become secluded. He would pick his emotions back up again and bottle them up and place them on a shelf even higher than before.

"Hajime, don't do this," Oikawa said as he reached for the boy's hand. 

Iwaizumi stopped, and he stood there in the hall, his shoulders heaving with his sobs.

"Don't do what?" he asked, his voice barely audible, a whisper barely breathed out as he stared at the space between his feet.

"You know what." Oikawa returned as he laced his fingers with Iwaizumi's. "Don't ice me out. Don't hide how you feel and pretend you're okay all the damn time."

"What do you fucking mean?" he shot back at Oikawa, his voice full of venom.

"Don't do this," Oikawa pleaded, his eyes full of concern. "Let me help you, let me be here for you, isn't that what I am here for? Don't push me away, please." Oikawa pleaded, searching Iwa's eyes.

Iwaizumi stood there, Oikawa holding his hand, begging him in that annoying voice not to hide his feelings, and the mask broke. It shattered into a million tiny pieces that could never be placed back together again.

Iwaizumi's legs crumbled, and Oikawa's hand slipped, and he was on the floor, and his tears were rolling, rolling, rolling. The world was spinning so fast, and yet Iwaizumi felt like everything was in slow motion. Everything was intensified at the moment. Every emotion hit him at once, like a train. 

"Oikawa, I-"his sobs stopped him from continuing the sentence.

Oikawa sat down on the floor beside Iwaizumi, and he just sat there, watching him, waiting patiently for him to let out his feelings. 

"Oikawa, I'm, I'm a terrible son," Iwaizumi said between gulps of air. 

Oikawa didn't say anything. He just took Iwa's hand and held it in his own.

"She didn't even tell me she was sick," he choked on his words, his hot tears burning streaks down his face.

Iwaizumi leaned forward, his head almost touching his knees, and he cried. 

His mom didn't think to tell him that she was sick. Even if it was small, it mattered to him. If she had a cold, she wouldn't have hidden that from him. His mind raced with a thousand thoughts and instances. He flashed through his memories of the past year, filtering, trying to find any sign that indicated that she wasn't well. Was he too caught up in himself, he wondered? Had he made it hard for her to speak to him? Did seeing him and knowing she was lying to him cause her any pain? Did she care that this would break him when he found out? So many thoughts crashed in his head like hurricane waves against the beach shore, and his pulse was pounding, and his tears were pouring, and he could not stop the pain that was ever so present. 

"Why didn't she tell me?" Iwaizumi picked up his head and looked toward Oikawa for an answer, tears streaming down his face. "Why didn't she tell me?" he pleaded again, this time his voice cracking. 

Oikawa sat there on the floor for a minute, not saying anything as Iwaizumi searched his face for an answer.

"Maybe she was trying to protect you?" Oikawa offered up with a shrug of his shoulders. "I know it seems cruel that she would keep this from you, but she probably just didn't want you to worry."

"That's bullshit, and you know it." Iwaizumi spat back anger rising within him. He wasn't sure if he was mad at Oikawa or if he was angry at himself for being so weak or if he was mad at his mom for lying to him. 

"You know exactly how she is." his voice faltered. "You know she doesn't care."

That's when it began. That's when all rational feelings were flung out the door, and all sensible thoughts were stepped on and crushed. That's when the worst of the storm settled into Iwaizumi's heart and threatened to destroy everything within him and around him. 

"You know exactly how much she doesn't care for me." the boy began. "You know good and damn well that she only cares about me academically and when I play volleyball, and then the rest of the year I am nothing to her but a nuisance. I don't even know if she really and truly cares about me in those ways, either. I mean, I am more of a bragging right to her than a son," Iwaizumi's voice was oddly calm when he spoke.

His eyes were fixated on the point in front of him where the wall and the floor met. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. Oikawa swore that when he looked in Iwachan's eyes, he saw nothing but a small boy and a fire burning around him. Iwaizumi sat there for a moment, his breathing ragged before he started up again, his feelings of so long were finally being let out, and he couldn't stop them from brimming his lips and spilling over into the air. 

"I mean, what did I do to make her feel like she couldn't trust me with something like this? I, Oikawa," Iwaizumi stopped, his voice filled with pain, and his chest was heaving. Iwaizumi held his breath, and his face turned redder than it already was from his crying, and he exhaled. "Oikawa, I could have helped her. I could have done more simple things for her to make her day easier, to make her day better. I could have changed so much. I could not have argued with her as much, and I could have tried to be more understanding. I feel like such a terrible son for not have noticed anything and not to have been able to help." he had stopped talking. He pulled his legs into him, and he held his breath because not breathing and the burning in his lungs and the throbbing in his head from the lack of oxygen was better than the pain he was feeling in his chest. 

Oikawa moved and positioned himself in front of Iwaizumi, 

"Iwa, please breath," Oikawa whispered his request. "It's okay that you didn't help your mom, and it's okay that you argued, and it's okay if you weren't understanding, but you are not a bad son because of this. All those things are in the past." Oikawa said, reaching his hand out and placing it on Iwaizumi's forearm. Iwaizumi sat there. Eyes still fixated on the spot just behind Oikawa. His legs hugged to his chest. His mind was racing with other thoughts, with other things that he had done wrong, not only by his mom but by Oikawa and everyone.

"I know." Iwaizumi whispered, finally exhaling. "I just," the boy rubbed the heel of his palm to his forehead. "I feel like I just," Iwaizumi stopped himself, shaking his head, trying to brick himself away again, trying to control his emotions, trying to disperse this feeling of worthlessness that was rising in his chest. 

_I feel worthless. I feel like I am not enough. I feel like I'll never be enough. I feel weak and vulnerable, and I hate it. I cause problems with everyone. I burden you, Oikawa, and I burden others. And I hide myself away. I am nothing._ Iwaizumi thought to himself, finishing the sentence in his head and not aloud.

"I'll leave." the boy stood up quite suddenly, tears brimming his eyes, his cheeks wet with tears, "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

He's always sorry, he thought, standing there, not moving even after he had just told Oikawa that he'd leave. He always regrets his actions. He always wished that he had done something different in his life, and he always tells himself that he'll change, that he'll become a better Iwaizumi, a better friend, and he always falls short. He always falls so damn short, he thought. He tries so hard to be better, to do better, to hide himself away more, and then he goes and does this, he cries, and he breaks, and he lets Oikawa see, and he makes him worry, and he tells himself that this isn't okay, that being weak isn't okay and he spirals. His feet felt like lead, and his heart was aching, and his breathing was so far from normal at that moment that he suddenly could not find it in himself to breathe automatically. He focused on his breathing in and out, he thought, but it wasn't going like that at all. It was more in, in and then out and then nothing before the cycle repeated itself, in, in, out, and then nothing. Each time he breathed in, he felt like no oxygen was in the air, the fire he had set snuffed out all the oxygen in the air, and then he was panicking. He couldn't breathe, and he was drowning, and his head was physically above water, but mentally he was trapped, water filling his lungs with every breath, his body descending deeper into the depths of the ocean. His lungs were burning, and his head was swimming with emotions and panic. And Oikawa was there in front of him. God, how long had he been standing there in front of him, Iwaizumi wondered. Was Oikawa saying something to him, he asked himself, but he couldn't hear anything but the crashing of the waves underwater and his uneven breathing and his dark thoughts taunting him and circling, waiting to take him under.

Oikawa stood there in front of Iwaizumi, trying to give the boy space to breathe, but as he looked at him, Iwaizumi's breathing got worse, and he panicked, seeing him like that, seeing his Iwachan in so much pain. Oikawa opened his mouth, trying his hardest to offer comforting words, but nothing seemed to get through. 

Oikawa's heart broke, seeing Iwaizumi so upset, and deep down, Oikawa knew that Iwaizumi was crying over more things than his mom being sick. Oikawa knew Iwaizumi well, and he knew the boy prided himself on being strong, but he also knew that he hid his feelings away from others. Oikawa knew that the boy was struggling, but he never said anything because he knew then that Iwaizumi would tuck those few emotions that he did show away even more. And that scared him, so he never said anything because he was afraid that if he did, he would lose Iwaizumi forever. Fear does things to people, it warps their mind, and it makes irrational thoughts become completely and utterly rational. Oikawa admitted that he never fully knew how bad Iwaizumi felt and how dark his days were. To Oikawa, it was perfectly acceptable to let Iwa handle his feelings on his own. That is what Iwaizumi wanted anyway? Not to burden anyone? So to Oikawa, it was okay if he didn't share his feelings because he genuinely thought that it was what Iwaizumi wanted, but he didn't know that deep down, Iwaizumi only wanted someone to notice and someone to show they cared. But fear of losing him consumed Oikawa, and so he put on a mask of his own, and he pretended not to see the small slips of emotions that Iwaizumi let through. Oikawa saw straight through some of the lies that Iwaizumi told him, and he did nothing because that is what he thought that Iwaizumi needed. Oikawa saw the light of happiness leave Iwaizumi's eyes, and he said nothing. Oikawa saw the bruises on Iwaizumi's knees in the locker rooms, and he knew they weren't from regular practice, and he turned away, and he ignored them, and he too bottled up his feelings. Oikawa knew that the marks on Iwa's arms were from his late-night practices in the gym and over-exerting himself rather than from the team's practice, and he wore the mask, and he too became the Oikawa he thought his friend needed. Oikawa suspected that the nightmares never stopped, he knew when Iwaizumi didn't eat, and he knew that it wasn't because his mom cooked a big meal the night before. Oikawa knew Iwaizumi's mom, and he knew that she never made him meals. But Oikawa never connected the dots. He never felt that the boy standing in front of him was this broken inside, and so for what Oikawa thought was Iwa's sake, he too wore his own mask. He wore it well, and he covered up his feelings with his fake smile and laugh. And others saw him as covering up his insecurities, but he was hiding his pain he felt for Iwa.

Iwaizumi was suffocating in front of Oikawa, and Oikawa felt so helpless, and he didn't know what to do to make things better, to fix Iwaizumi. Then suddenly, Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi's hand and placed it on his own chest, "breath with me, okay. Concentre on my breathing and match my breaths." he said, his voice small and scared and his eyes locked on Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi shook his head, and he gulped in the air around him, drowning. Iwaizumi's breaths were shaky at first, as he attempted to follow Oikawa's slow and steady breathing pattern. "It's okay. I am here now. I wasn't here for you before, but I am here now, and that's all that matters," he whispered, his hand holding Iwa's tightly to his chest. 

A few minutes passed, and Iwaizumi was finally breathing at a considerably regular rate. Oikawa dropped his hand, and Iwaizumi stepped forward, and the two boys hugged. Oikawa rubbed circles on Iwaizumi's back as they stood there, Iwaizumi's face buried in Oikawa's shoulder. 

"Let's go lay down, okay?" Oikawa asked, pulling away from Iwaizumi and searching his face. Iwaizumi slowly nodded his head quietly, not speaking a word. Oikawa took his hand as they climbed the stairs to his room. 

Oikawa sat on one side of the bed, and Iwaizumi clamored under the bed covers, cold and exhausted from everything as a few tears still streamed down his face. Iwaizumi laid his head on Oikawa's chest and wrapped his arms around the boy because Iwaizumi was numb again, and he was shaking, and he was cold, and Oikawa was warm, and he held on to him tightly. Iwaizumi shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out the world, as tears continued to fall. Oikawa brought his hand up, brushing his fingers lightly through Iwa's hair, and he began to hum a quiet little song. 

The two boys stayed like this for a long time until Oikawa noticed that Iwa had stopped crying. "Don't ever bottle up your feelings again," Oikawa whispered, a tear rolling down his own cheek now. Iwaizumi was fast asleep, but Oikawa had to say what was weighing on his chest. "I love you, and I care about you, and I want to hear all of your problems and worries. I don't care if you think they are small or that you will burden me." Oikawa's voice was barely even a whisper, "It hurts me more to see you in pain than to be in pain myself. Share your struggles with me, so you don't have to carry it all anymore. You don't have to be strong." Another tear rolled down Oikawa's face. "You don't have to be strong for me. You don't have to wear the mask anymore." He whispered as he kissed the top of Iwaizumi's head and whispered, I love you against his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently working on a part 2. I don’t know when and if it will be finished but it will have a similar tone to it.


End file.
